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This message ManMan Hits the Road - The Conclusion! was posted by ManMan - Who knows he said next week, but thought he'd be early for a change. on Friday, January 31, 2003 at 11:05.
Ned Bailor burst through the hotel suite door. "Hey guys!" he announced. "You're never gonna believe what's happened!"
"I think we can top it," Knifey challenged.
"How....How can this happen?" asked a befuddled ManMan, almost shouting to make himself heard over the noise of the crowd outside, he closed the balcony door and the adoration faded.
"Yeah! And why doesn't this type of thing happen to me??" despaired spiffy.
"You got to be Mayor of the entire country," Nats pointed out.
"I bet the Almighty over there has less paperwork...and more chicks," the Fern-Wielder sulked.
Joe frowned as he tried to understand. "So I'm God."
"Well, that's what those people down there think," explained Stacey.
"If it's any help, we don't think you bear even the slightest resemblance to Him..." added Knifey. "He's taller."
"I heard them talking when we came through," Nats began. "They think you're Elvis Presley, who they believe is God and now you've returned to like, guide them or something."
Joe turned to Knifey. "See what happens when you give me a costume like this? Stupid people will read any old crap into something!" He sighed deeply. "What should I do then?"
"I think you should tell them you're a) not Elvis Presley and b) not God," offered spiffy. "In any order," he added.
"But try and let them down gently, we don't want a riot or anything...." agreed Nats.
"Right then...." the Elvis-Impersonator began, he opened the door to the balcony and stepped out.
"Um....Who's God?" asked Ned finally, though not sure he wanted an answer.
----
The Reverend had marshalled his flock to the Golden Lion Hotel in hopes that they would see God in His glory once again. When ManMan arrived on the balcony to his room and overlooked the crowd, silence descended on them, they knew He was about to speak.
"Uh....Hi," greeted the Hero and upon getting no response waved for Stacey to join him. "I just wanted to say that uh....I am, in fact, not God. There's been some sort of misunderstanding...You know, I'm flattered and everything...Yes....Right....yes....I'll, uh...I'll be going now...Bye....Oh! I almost forgot....I'm not Elvis Presley either, in case you were wondering," Joe edged toward his room, relieved it was over.
Stacey pushed her boyfriend back out onto the balcony. "Leave them with words of comfort or something..." she advised.
"Right," he agreed and turned to the crowd. "Uh...Yeah, uh...just because I'm not Elvis Presley or God, doesn't mean that uh...you know...he doesn't exist or uh...he's not working at some K-Mart somewhere...Elvis, I mean not God, or well either of them I suppose...I suppose..."
The Reverend lifted a megaphone from his cloak. "Our Lord, God and saviour. We know the limits you will go to to test the faith of your parishioners. We understand that you will accept no doubt in your leadership, so we humbly prostrate ourselves and seek your guidance," The Reverend put the megaphone back into his cloak and knelt on the ground and bowed deeply, following the movements of every other Presliest outside the hotel.
----
"Um....What the hell do I do now?" ManMan asked Stacey, as they looked down on the crowd, who knelt in perfect silence.
"I think we should leave," she replied pulling him into the room.
"But my faithful- I mean, those loonies down there...." Joe protested.
"I'm not sure if anything you tell them is going to change their views," Stacey turned to the others in the room. "Did you hear all that?"
The heroes nodded. "I think you're right," agreed Nats. "Keeping him here might jeopardize the safety of those people down there."
"They're kneeling in the streets now, what else will they do to prove their loyalty in future?" wondered Knifey.
"I can get the ceremony opened today, I think," offered spiffy. "Manny could make a short speech and I'll get the Legion to give us all a ride back to Parodiopolis."
Stacey smiled. "We'll be home by morning."
"Why don't I go home right away? As in now," enquired the Elvis-Impersonator.
"Just leave? The 'faithful' down there would probably cause a riot trying to find you again..." his bladed sidekick explained. "Maybe we could get Cheryl to work on some negative PR for you, that might help..."
"Right," spiffy began. "I'll try and get opening set up for in say, an hour?"
"Sounds good," answered Stacey, she turned to Joe. "Looks like we've got some speech writing to attend to."
"Aw crap," he replied.
----
ManMan stood on stage next to all of his friends, but knew that the crowd were gazing at him. Staring at him with unblinking eyes, in unconditional adoration, it made him shudder. spiffy was at the podium making a short speech about why the festival had been brought forward. Stacey stood next to him, their hands intertwined, he could feel Knifey chuckling softly to himself on his belt, that or he was snoring again.
"...we mark this occasion with the unveiling of a statue of Elvis Presley, sculpted by the renowned artist Alicia Marsters, before that though, let me take this opportunity to introduce to you our next, uh, speaker....ManMan," spiffy held his hand behind him, drawing Joe forward.
The Elvis-Impersonator could feel the lump in his throat expand into his stomach, and he was sure that a blackout was imminent. Before he could reach the podium, however, the stage exploded.
The crowd who hadn't been injured in the blast fled as fast as they could, everyone on the stage was buried in the falling debris.
"Hello ManMan," spat a familiar voice, as the wreckage of the stage lay strewn about the heroes.
Joe pushed a slab of wood that lay across his chest and looked toward where Stacey had been, he saw her pulling a child to the safety of the side streets, relieved, he turned to address the voice. "Thighmaster...."
"Ah!" cried the villain in mock delight, he stood on a floating platform and looked down on the damage he'd done. "You remember me! But this time I have come prepared....Proctology...ASSEMBLE!" Figures rose from the platform in obedience. "Cool huh? I bought it from Dastardly Inc," he explained referring to the platform. "Yes, of course it was at a good price, don't you remember? I threatened that courier.....Yes, that's right...."
"Shall we start killing them now?" enquired Spleen-Splitter, slightly worried that his leader was talking to himself again.
"Of course," replied The Thighmaster. "This should be fun!"
----
The Spleen-Splitter came at ManMan quick, black arms with black fists, moving in a rhythm and grace that he admired and feared. The first blow struck him on the shoulder, and his left arm went dead...The arm that wielded Knifey...No feeling, no movement...
spiffy circled his clone, deja vu overwhelming him. spiffy2’s energy crackled as 2 large ferns rose above him and fired...
Nats flew around Swingy, dodging the vines that flew at him at a terrible speed, the Flying-Wonder had read the reports on the Proctology and wondered how the team seemed so....competent. A vine encircled his ankle, and the flame haired hero was pulled thrown through a glass window...
Pudu Lad cringed, and pulled himself into a tighter ball. “There you are, I think we have some unfinished business to attend to...” The Thighmaster pointed out as he approached...
Things weren’t going well, Joe decided, as his second rib was broken. The Spleen-Splitter was faster, knew Joe’s weaknesses and has disabled all of his strengths. Knifey hung limply in Joe’s unfeeling arm...
The Reverend gathered what he could find of his parishioners. "Don't you see?" he exclaimed wildly. "Don't YOU SEE?" he repeated, louder, pointing to ManMan's conflict with the Spleen-Splitter. "It's another test! He wants us - in our most desperate hour - to be the strongest we can be! We must take up arms and defend ourselves against tyranny!" He reached for a plank amongst some fallen debris and raised in defiance, the flock followed.
Nats pulled a shard of glass from his shoulder and stepped out from the shop window he had been thrown into. "I underestimated you," explained the Flying-Wonder. "That won't happen again."
Swingy grinned, "When I get you again. You won't be getting up..." His vines attacked.
spiffy cart-wheeled away from another barrage of energy bolts, thanking his fronds again for not being hit. The Fern-Wielder had been biding his time, looking for an opening or sign of fatigue from his genetic counterpart - he had seen neither. spiffy was faster and more agile, but his clone hadn't let up, not letting him get close enough. He finally made up his mind - with some trepidation - on the best course of action, with a Braveheart-like cry, he launched himself straight at spiffy2.
"Ow!" whined the Thighmaster as he towered over Ned. "What the hell was that?"
"Sorry Sir," replied Browning, the voice inside the villains head. "But it seems like it's time for me to be 'delivered'..."
"OW!" repeated the Thighmaster, louder as the pain in his ear became greater, tentatively he reached for the source and felt a lightly manicured index finger wriggling outwards.
"Sorry Sir," the butler repeated as his master fainted.
ManMan could see the people coming, though only through his left eye which was still partially open. "Oh God..." he wheezed, breathing had become difficult. Spleen-Splitter stopped his onslaught momentarily as he noticed the crowd advancing. He pulled the Elvis-Impersonator close, "Looks like they're next," he hissed.
Joe coughed violently, blood trickled into his mouth. "Well, you know what they say..." he spluttered.
"What?" demanded his foe.
"Heh...No pain, no gain," ManMan answered, squaring his left boot into Spleen-Splitters 'unmentionables', the assassin's eyes bulged and his mouth made a silent 'O' which quickly closed when a wooden plank was smashed into it, followed by another, and another...
spiffy stood gingerly, his left leg burnt. He surmised that he was in better shape than his counterpart, who's left frond had been torn and left useless. They both face each other again, breathing heavily, fatigue gripping their bodies. "Hey, look behind you...it's a rampaging religious vigilante mob who worships Elvis!" spiffy warned. His clone smirked, he wasn't copied from the original yesterday, his smile disappeared when a fake leg clubbed him on the side of the face. The clone whirled to face an elderly man hopping frantically. "You ain't gonna hurt him or anyone again" threatened the man, wielding his false leg like a Louisville Slugger.
"Thanks for the help," spiffy told the man as he broke the clone's neck from behind. "But it mob vigilantism is illegal and morally wrong."
The man harrumphed. "Saved yer leafy be-hind, didn't I?" he shrieked before hopping toward Spleen-Splitter for another whack.
Nats had been trying to manoeuvre Swingy’s vines into a knot and while he was slowly succeeding, he was also tiring, blood ran in rivulets from his shoulder and the pain was distracting. A vine caught the flying-wonder around the throat and he struggled quickly to get free. He looked frantically to his left, for leverage or aid, he saw a crowd approaching but too slowly to provide a distraction to the man who was slowly choking the life out of him, he looked to his right and knew he was being deprived of oxygen because as he blacked out, Nats was sure he saw a very small deer with a very determined look on his face, charging.
Pudu Lad leapt and using his herbivorous teeth, crushed through the vine holding Nats, the flame haired hero slumped to the ground heavily, unconscious. Swingy laughed derisively, “You think you can stop me?”
“Maybe not,” replied Ned. “But maybe together, we can.” The Undead Mr Ed charged full speed at the Vine-Wielder, the horse’s bones clanking together in a haphazard xylophonic rhythm. This made Swingy laugh harder, “Just the two of you?!? A pathetic deer, and a dead hor- ARGH!”
“And a Starfish,” corrected Pudu Lad. Swingy grasped at his eye and threw Starfish onto the ground as Mr Ed hit him square in the chest, sending the former leader of the Proctology flying backwards. He quickly but unsteadily rose to his feet, “OK...You caught me by surprise - but now it’s going to be different,” he flexed his vines in a show of power and laughed.
“Yes, I think it will be,” agreed the now Undead Living Statement! “I think Swingy’s vines will fall limp. Right now!”
On command, the Vine-Wielder’s extra appendages failed and slumped onto the ground. “Shit,” he said, matter-of-factly. The Undead Living Statement! jumped in the air and clapped his hands excitedly. “It’s so nice no to worry about blinking!”
Stacey Gwen braced her boyfriend against herself as he tried to stay upright. “Are you OK?” He asked her.
“I was going to ask you the same thing...” she half-sobbed. “You look a mess.”
Joe smiled. “Flesh wound...Where’s Knifey?”
“I’m down here Joe,” replied the knife, from Joe’s still unfeeling hand. “Stacey, I think we better get him to a hospital. Quick.”
“No need!” interrupted The Undead Living Statement! “I think that Mr ManMan will make a miraculous recovery in just a few moments...”
Browning pulled his foot out of his master’s ear, the wax build up made the delivery much easier, but now he was covered in the stuff, he silently thanked God he hadn’t come out of any other orifice. Brushing what he could off of his uniform, he inspected the still unconscious Thighmaster, the hole in the man’s ear was slowly closing and the butler assumed that his master would recover, Browning smiled, maybe with better hearing...He sighed, lifted the villain onto his waxy shoulder and got onto the floating platform, pressing the button for the ThighCastle.
“Are you sure you’re OK?” enquired Stacey.
“Honestly, I feel great!” her boyfriend assured her as they embraced.
“Get a room,” complained spiffy, hobbling over.
Stacy laughed. “Are you OK?”
“Sure,” replied the Fern-Wielder. “I must’ve killed about a million of my evil doubles, so it’s pretty much an everyday occurrence.”
“Well...That was pretty pointless,” croaked Nats nursing a large yellow bruise around his throat.
“At least the festival opened with a bang,” Stacey offered optimistically.
The group laughed wearily. It had been a long day. “Let’s go home,” ManMan decided.
Everyone agreed.
----
Pudu Lad picked up Starfish. “Everything OK?”
*Burble*
“Well, I’m sure we can get that checked out,” assured the Deer-Duplicator. “Hey LS!”
“It’s ULS! now, remember?” chuckled his team-mate.
“Oh yeah...sorry again about that...”
“No need!” he declared. “It’s wonderful not to worry about digestion or sweating ever again...”
“Or manure...” added the also Undead Mr Ed.
“Looks like the Proctology are back together, eh boys?” enthused the newest member of the Undead.
“Without Swingy,” noted Pudu Lad.
“Without Swingy,” agreed the rest of the team.
“and...and do we have to be evil? It’s so....unfriendly,” moaned the Skeletal Horse.
“Yeah, look at our former leader...” Ned pointed to a sobbing mass of green foliage.
“My vines are limp!” the former vine-wielder cried.
*Burble*
“It is a shame Starf,” agreed ULS! “HEY SWINGY! I HEARD VIAGRA IS GOOD FOR THAT SORT OF THING!” he called out, laughing.
“It was you!” interrupted the Reverend, his flock not far behind.
“Uh-oh...” began Ned, remembering the beatings.
“You saved ManMan with but an utterance...”
ULS! blushed, “Well...yeah,” he answered.
The Revered thrust his hands aloft. “Then you truly are The One,” he exalted prostrating himself upon the ground. The flock followed.
“Uh....” was all that the Undead Living Statement! could come up with. “What should we do?” he whispered.
*Burble*
“Agreed,” they agreed in unison, and ran.
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